So my older sister calls me out of the blue last week in a blind panic.
"Oh Monica! Thank god you answered your phone! You are the ONLY one who can save me!!! Oh please! Please come to Virginia and watch two dogs, three cats and a lizard. If you don't, we all shall perish!"*
So naturally, being the most awesoe** sister in the world, I packed my bags, told my boss to shove it where the sun don't shine,* and drove six hours to a small neighborhood in Alexandria, VA. As I am pulling up to the house, I start to wonder- How will I ever get in? My sister had already gone, and forgot to tell me where she put the key. Perhaps in the mailbox? No. Under the welcome mat? No welcome mat to put it under. Under any rocks? Nope. Well damn. I guess I'm going to have to use my spiderman skills and scale the house to find an open window. And just as I dawn my super cool costume- My phone rings. Now, because I love my ringtone, I let it ring a few times while I play air guitar before picking it up.
My sister once again.
"Oh Monica! You are the most amazing, coolest sister ever! I was so terrified of burglars or someone coming in and steal one of my cats, I HAD to find a really good hiding place for the key to the house. Now listen closely, for this is extremely dangerous. First, you must break into the neighbors shed and find fire-retardant gloves. Then in the back of the house you will see it. I built this metal cage to contain the fierce blueberry eating dragon of doom! Beware! After ingesting large quantities of blueberries, they turn into a molten like jam substance in which he can spit at you. I hid my house key inside his cage. Good luck. I have no doubt you will succeed."*
So after a fierce battle with a blueberry spewing dragon, I snatched the keys from under a log and entered the house and call my sister back to tell of my heroic feat.
"Oh Monica, you are truly the most courageous person I have ever met. I will pay you in jewels, gold and cocaine! Thank you! Thank you!"*
So, all is well in the Erickson/Scott household, until this morning. When I woke up, I felt fine. Stretched, fed the dogs. Let them out. Fed the cats, let them out. Found Lucifer, who happens to be possessing a cat named Jenkins, and made sure they had food and water before kicking them back outside. Then I went to the bathroom, and lo and behold, guess what I found. Three ticks. Sucking my blood. Near my... nether regions. Now let me explain the full process of removing a tick.
Step 1. Panic. Scream like a little girl. Flap your hands at it, as if you will suddenly posses magic to get rid of them.
Step 2. Strip. Remove all icky clothing in case there are more hiding in the fabric.
Step 3. Streak. Run throughout the house, with three dogs chasing you think it is all in good fun. Realize the next door neighbor can see you running through the house, and have a flash of fear course down your spine while thinking how he was going to call the cops since he probably thinks I'm some fruity nut job who broke into their neighbors house.
Step 4. Destroy. Rip out all cabinets, drawers and hiding places in search for a lighter.
Step 5. Streak #2. Run back through said house, while waving to neighbor, who is still in driveway with jaw on floor.
Step 6. Tweeze. Find a pair of tweezers.
Step 7. Kill. Using the lighter, heat the end of the tweezers until extremely hot. Spread the skin really tight, and then as fast as possible, grab the little piece of shit and pull him out. Destroy as you seem fit.
Step 8. Repeat. If you must, repeat step seven as many times as necessary.
Although I do advise going to the doctor after your experience, just to ensure you didn't manage to obtain Lyme disease.
I also advise washing everything in sight.
I still have five days left of watching all the animals. I will keep you all updated throughout my quest to destroy all blood sucking demons.
* Slight exaggerations.
** Misspelled on purpose.
