Everything I have learned about myself, my dog, my cat, and the United States of America while driving across the country.

As most of you all know, I decided it was time to pack my happy white ass up and move back home. Well, since I am such a loving and caring owner of two animals, I decided I was going to drive from California to Ohio. Somewhere in my mind I thought this would be MUCH better than flying.  Note to self- next time-fly.
Here are a few observations while traveling:
1. Leaving California was the saddest part of my trip
2.  My cat likes to lick windows when drugged.
3. My cat poops a lot.
4. My cat blames me when he passes out in his recently used litter box.
5. While drugged, my cat can still move faster than a speeding bullet.
6. You know your cat is too fat when he can depress the brake pedal, sending your car into the same momentum of slamming on the breaks.
7. Raeef gets revenge if you crate him after jumping on the brake pedal.
8. Maura is a saint for putting up with Raeef.
9. Arizona has snow.
10. I still scream like a little girl when I see snow for the first time in forever.
11. Maura panics with sudden noises (Such as me screaming).
12. Arizona (I think) is home of the Petrified Forest.
13. Don't EVER drive through the Petrified Forest at night.
14. I hate New Mexico. Don't ask me why. I just fucking hate that state.
15. I saw the sign "Grand Canyon parking- Exit here" and I had that split second "Should I?" and after giving it serious contemplations (five seconds) I decided I have NO desire to see the Grand Canyon.
16. Okay- seriously Texas. What the Fuck is wrong with you? SERIOUSLY?????  Every other 49 states in America has been going through this deficit problem. You know- where all the states are saying, 'hey we're poor. Sorry paramedics, firefighter and cops- you're all fired?' Well, obviously Texas didn't get that memo because I didn't go ten minutes without seeing, being paced by, or being behind a freaking state trooper. Get with the program Texas. How can I speed if you guys don't work with me?
17 (And to contradict number 16-) Texas has some sexy ass state troopers. :)
18. OH MY GOD OKLAHOMA. I have to say- men- if you have a hunched back- missing an eye, only managed to save three teeth from decay and have sores-ON YOUR FACE- I'm asking- DO NOT APPROACH LONE TRAVELING FEMALES. You are creepy. I'm alone. If you touch me, you will die.
19.  Oklahoma people are a mixture of the Hills Have Eyes meets the most inbred West Virginian family.
20. Congratulation Johnny from getting out of jail. Now shut the fuck up so I can sleep. (Motel 6- Joplin, Missouri)
21. Saint Louis, Missouri. The place where I nearly died four times in five seconds, pissed myself a little bit out of terrifying fear and prayed for twenty minutes AFTER coming out of battle alive and in one piece. 
22. My GPS likes it when I turn 'sharply right'.
23. When alone with only a bored dog and a drugged cat, you begin to wonder what your life would be like in a movie scene like "Finding Nemo."
24. I practiced my Whale Speech for a good two hours until Kristen called me.
25. While bored, I got into a conversation with my GPS. Then I got angry at her. And I began to scream at her. Mid tirade, (I kid you not-) the screen flickered once- as if in warning which I ignored- then shut off. After a hard reset, my GPS takes five minutes to fully load all functions again.
26. My self control lasts about two hours when I have an unopened 'family sized' bag of doritos in the car.
27. I can demolish a giant bag of Doritos in four hours.
28. I was yelled at via text by everybody except Naomi and Meghan to stop texting and driving. Well, news flash, I only texted you all because you texted me first. :( You all asked me a question... I responded AND THEN I GET YELLED AT. WTF.
29. I have an unnatural fear of Zombies, falling, and drowning in the ocean. Oklahoma people can be added to that list. And Saint Louis.
30.  I've been craving a beer. And not just any beer.. an ice cold Tona. Straight out of Kristen's fridge. My drive- my passion- my motivation is getting that beer. I'm being driven, just like a mouse through a maze and a piece of cheese. I don't care about the outcome.. I just really-REALLY want that Tona.

Love you all!

The War

For the last few years, and friend and I have been having this large debate, which naturally turned into World War III, where Bull Sharks have completely overwhelmed the invading forces of Tiger Sharks and Zombies combined. Because Bull Sharks are awesome. And tiger sharks suck. And Zombies are scary, so I had the bull sharks kill all of them.

See, this war all started with a squished mosquito, preserved in the pages of an old journal. With it's dying breath, this blood-sucking insect told me to beware the evil-doings of the one-eyed witch. Upon realizing the bug was talking to me, I naturally freaked and squished it again- this time confirming it's death.

  Throughout this bloody war, many lives were lost, people were eaten, Bull Sharks have taken over the air, and Tiger Sharks have invaded the sewer systems of New Jersey, and yet, they require fur-lined coats to survive- case and point- Tiger Sharks are lame.

Sméagol like creatures have been developed and replaced dogs for tracking, I have become an expert sniper, and people have snorted cocaine and ran away to amusement parks.   Super Zombies were created- and killed, the world has ended five times, and running shoes are not always required.  

Flamethrowers are the ultimate weapon, tree-climbers are out for easy pickings, Gnomes are evil little creatures that attack toes, and mashed potatoes are awesome.

But, as I have been pointing out this entire time-

Bull Sharks rule.

Oh Tona, how I miss you...

As I sit vegging out in front of the television, sippin' on my Corona, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to throw it away and go on an expedition to find the best beer in the world. Tona, my love. I am coming for you. I will find you. And I will drink you.

The Jungle Cat

Gold orbs follow my slightest movement, waiting for the prime opportunity. My back turns, and the great beast swishes his tail in anticipation--The Game is on.  One padded claw drops silently infront of another as he closes in on his prey. His satan-slanted eyes never leaving my unsuspecting back as I fold my laundry.  He slowly picks up speed when he realizes I am preoccupied. His muscles bunch, his pelt ripples across his shoulders as he prepares to pounce. I hear nothing, until- CRUNCH. I turn swiftly to run to the kitchen, passing the entryway just in time to scream, "Raeef! You fat ass cat! Get out of the freezer!"