As most of you all know, I decided it was time to pack my happy white ass up and move back home. Well, since I am such a loving and caring owner of two animals, I decided I was going to drive from California to Ohio. Somewhere in my mind I thought this would be MUCH better than flying. Note to self- next time-fly.
Here are a few observations while traveling:
1. Leaving California was the saddest part of my trip
2. My cat likes to lick windows when drugged.
3. My cat poops a lot.
4. My cat blames me when he passes out in his recently used litter box.
5. While drugged, my cat can still move faster than a speeding bullet.
6. You know your cat is too fat when he can depress the brake pedal, sending your car into the same momentum of slamming on the breaks.
7. Raeef gets revenge if you crate him after jumping on the brake pedal.
8. Maura is a saint for putting up with Raeef.
9. Arizona has snow.
10. I still scream like a little girl when I see snow for the first time in forever.
11. Maura panics with sudden noises (Such as me screaming).
12. Arizona (I think) is home of the Petrified Forest.
13. Don't EVER drive through the Petrified Forest at night.
14. I hate New Mexico. Don't ask me why. I just fucking hate that state.
15. I saw the sign "Grand Canyon parking- Exit here" and I had that split second "Should I?" and after giving it serious contemplations (five seconds) I decided I have NO desire to see the Grand Canyon.
16. Okay- seriously Texas. What the Fuck is wrong with you? SERIOUSLY????? Every other 49 states in America has been going through this deficit problem. You know- where all the states are saying, 'hey we're poor. Sorry paramedics, firefighter and cops- you're all fired?' Well, obviously Texas didn't get that memo because I didn't go ten minutes without seeing, being paced by, or being behind a freaking state trooper. Get with the program Texas. How can I speed if you guys don't work with me?
17 (And to contradict number 16-) Texas has some sexy ass state troopers. :)
18. OH MY GOD OKLAHOMA. I have to say- men- if you have a hunched back- missing an eye, only managed to save three teeth from decay and have sores-ON YOUR FACE- I'm asking- DO NOT APPROACH LONE TRAVELING FEMALES. You are creepy. I'm alone. If you touch me, you will die.
19. Oklahoma people are a mixture of the Hills Have Eyes meets the most inbred West Virginian family.
20. Congratulation Johnny from getting out of jail. Now shut the fuck up so I can sleep. (Motel 6- Joplin, Missouri)
21. Saint Louis, Missouri. The place where I nearly died four times in five seconds, pissed myself a little bit out of terrifying fear and prayed for twenty minutes AFTER coming out of battle alive and in one piece.
22. My GPS likes it when I turn 'sharply right'.
23. When alone with only a bored dog and a drugged cat, you begin to wonder what your life would be like in a movie scene like "Finding Nemo."
24. I practiced my Whale Speech for a good two hours until Kristen called me.
25. While bored, I got into a conversation with my GPS. Then I got angry at her. And I began to scream at her. Mid tirade, (I kid you not-) the screen flickered once- as if in warning which I ignored- then shut off. After a hard reset, my GPS takes five minutes to fully load all functions again.
26. My self control lasts about two hours when I have an unopened 'family sized' bag of doritos in the car.
27. I can demolish a giant bag of Doritos in four hours.
28. I was yelled at via text by everybody except Naomi and Meghan to stop texting and driving. Well, news flash, I only texted you all because you texted me first. :( You all asked me a question... I responded AND THEN I GET YELLED AT. WTF.
29. I have an unnatural fear of Zombies, falling, and drowning in the ocean. Oklahoma people can be added to that list. And Saint Louis.
30. I've been craving a beer. And not just any beer.. an ice cold Tona. Straight out of Kristen's fridge. My drive- my passion- my motivation is getting that beer. I'm being driven, just like a mouse through a maze and a piece of cheese. I don't care about the outcome.. I just really-REALLY want that Tona.
Love you all!
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