I feel like I have a creepy guy pheromone. For some ungoldy reason, the most unsavory men find me, ask me out, and then proceed to follow me around like a love-sick puppy until he moves into creepy stalker mode. For all the men out there, I want to give you a handful of tips to be as uncreepy as possible.
1. Upon first meeting, DO NOT talk about how some girl accused you of raping her.
2. If some girl looses her mind for a minute and gives you her phone number, DO NOT call her four times in one night, text her twice and leave a voicemail. It's effin creepy and annoying.
3. Loose the weight. I'm not saying you have to have ripplin' muscles and a six pack, but if you are obese, and trying to hit up that hot cheerleader... you are setting yourself up for failure.
4. When a girl gives you the friend speech, do not call her bad names, do not cuss at her, or blow up her phone with rude text messages.
5. Do not give her the glare of death throughout all of class.
6. Do not follow behind her while she walks to her car, especially when she knows you park on the opposite side of campus.
When a dead animal is found under her car, even if it died a natural death and crawled under there to preserve it's body from getting mutilated by other predators, the girl is going to naturally think you put it there. I can honestly say, when the girl thinks creepy guy has reached the dead animal present stage, her first reaction will be to go to the police. So, creepy guy- an eye for an eye. If I find another dead animal under my car, your car is going to get destroyed. Carrie Underwood is going to look like an amateur. It's going to be a fucking scavenger hunt to find all your car pieces. But I'll give you a hint to start somewhere. You can find one of your tires on the roof of Bowman hall.
Let the games begin.
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