Good fences make good neighbors

Our upstairs neighbor, who Kristen and I affectionately refer to as the 'Whore of Babylon', is the bane of our existence. You might be wondering why. If not, tough shit. I am going to tell you anyways.

1. She has a squeaky bed. Now, this might not be a big deal under normal circumstances, but when you live underneath someone with a multitude of male suitors (they aren't really suitors, if you know what I'm saying) this can become quiet irritating.

 

2. She has the gracefulness of an elephant. I should not know her exact location within her condo at 2 a.m., and yet I do because of her stomping.

3. She has an affinity for high heels. I like heels just as much as the next girl, but when she has them glued to her feet at all hours, and seems to pass time by walking laps around her condo, the clunking noise makes me want to stab her in the throat with a meat cleaver.  

4. She has taken it upon herself to contact the condo association detailing our numerous 'neighborly transgressions'. One of our supposed transgressions occured during an innocent outdoor game of toss-the-teddy bear with Maura, my dog. The cottony, soft, stuffing-filled, eye-less toy may have hit the side of the building once or twice. The Whore of Babylon was supposedly unable to sleep due to the loud banging noises the stuffed animal created, and she felt it necessary to rally for our eviction.

5. She thinks "Maura" is a boy's name. And yet, she teaches. Poor children. 

6. She has a horse-face. Kristen and I agreed already that our neighborhood should only allow attractive people, so we feel she should be evicted for this reason alone.

7. At least she's really friendly! Oh, wait. No she's not. She seems to be as kind hearted as Hitler and Satan's love child. 

If any of you, my dear readers, have any tips on how to deal with an unruly neighbor, please leave a comment below. Be quick about it though, or I'll be back here shortly begging for suggestions on how to dispose of a body instead.

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If you like to laugh, click this link: ludakristen.com (You're welcome)